Change is Everything

I find myself dreading change. The thought of it makes me anxious and I am constantly worrying if I am doing the right thing and If the choice that I am moving towards is going to be successful. My biggest fear in life is waking up one day and not having accomplished everything that I wanted to. I wake up every morning trying to get through the list that I made and to ensure that everything gets completed and that the mental list that I create for tomorrow is ready. I am not one that goes out of my comfort zone, I tend to be very ritualistic and focus on a world that I don’t worry about what is going to happen. With that being said, I also tend to make a lot of the same mistakes over and over because I have created a routine that is unhealthy.

Looking at my track record, I have a history of picking men that are not the best people. I let them dictate my life and I find myself right in the midst of the power and control dynamic. I appreciate men who know what they want and they strive to go after that. I also apparently find people who have the desire to control the decisions that I make and the roll that I play within this world. I am easy going, I am easy to be around and historically I have been easily manipulated. But at some point within this journey, I have to take a stand and admire the fact that I am strong and that I am willing to change, even though that is the most difficult thing for me.

Lately I have noticed that I am the kind of person that accommodates for the people around me, some might call that a people pleaser and that might as well be the role that I play. I want to make sure that my friends, family, relationships are all having their needs met, but at the same time, I was neglecting mine. After the most recent downfall within my typical living, I decided that it was time to make a change, it was time to be better, and do better, and find myself again.

I know that we all say this, we are going to be better at something and we are going to make better choices and all for the walls that we have up to actually protect up, not just cause us to open the hidden door and let people in that we shouldn’t. I took a weekend to really look at myself, to look at the choices and decisions that I was making and to understand what I actually needed to do in order to find peace and happiness within my days. Now don’t misunderstand me, I am a happy person! I love my life and I find joy in the work that I do and the goals that I have set for myself. But there has to be that moment where you wake up and you feel peace come over you in wave that is just comforting.

I looked at my life, I looked at the lives of the people around me and I sat and really tried to evaluate that way that I do things on a daily basis. I thought about the experiences that shaped me and the ones that broke me. I looked at how I dealt with my trauma and my fears and what my trends are when I am anxious. I sat and realized that I am stronger than all that’s around me and that in order for me to find that and in order for me to really discover who I was, I needed to be truly vulnerable. I needed the space to tell myself that I was hurting, that was scared, that the way that I have been living my life was nothing short of a mess. I decided that I had to be the one to make the change, I had to be the one to take charge of my life and revamp this world that I was living in that I felt like I was completely destroying.

We look at the idea of change as something that appears to be forced and something that we say is inevitable, we cannot tell when change is going to happen and the way that everything around us changing is going to directly impact our own lives. I say that the idea of change is scary to me, I am terrified of change. I want things to stay exactly the way they are because I am a control freak and the idea of something not going as planned gives me hives. But at some point, I have to let go. One of the biggest lessons that I have had to learn very quickly is that I am not in control of anyone else’s life other than my own.

So, I am embracing change full on. I am sitting here in a quiet room with all my animals thinking about how magical the idea of change actually is. If you would have asked me a year ago if I saw my life where I am right now, I would laugh in your face. I was sneaking around with an ex, I was hiding and falling right back into a relationship that continues to be a trigger for me. I was too thin, I was pretending like the life that I was living was where I wanted to be and that in order for me to get there, I had to be the one to resist the change. But this morning, I woke up to the sun hitting my face, I was able to fill my lungs with air and simply breathe. I had a cup of coffee by myself and sat in silence as a reflected on my weekend.

Change is different for everyone. Change can be an alteration within a routine, a change in careers, or simply a change in a hairstyle. I looked at my change as completely giving into my fears and facing change head on. I sat down and I realized that in order for me to be happy and in order for me to no longer fall into a bad place, I had to adjust the world around me and the way that in impacted me. I looked my anxiety in the face and no longer let it justify my actions and my fears, I no longer allowed for it to take control of my life. I looked at my trauma and my fear and I thanked God for being able to fall asleep knowing that I am safe and that I will no longer be a victim.

I looked at my health, in all forms. I am one to go to work and preach self care, I shove it down the throats of my clients and coworkers, yet I am the last one to take my own advice. I will struggle to get up in the morning because I was unable to fall asleep the night before because I could not shut my mind off. I make sure that those around me were in a healthy place mentally because that was easier than dealing with what was going on in my head. I stood in the mirror and noticed the body that I was not familiar with, one that has been bruised and I saw the bones that reminded me of a path I no longer wanted to fall down. Who I saw in front of me, was a person that I no longer wanted to be. It was time.

So here I am. Writing this before I fall asleep hoping that I can wake up tomorrow as a different person, changed. I want to find peace in change, I want to see the world from a new point of view and allow for myself to see that change does not have to be scary but it can actually be beautiful. I know that change does not happen over night, but I will be different tomorrow, and the day after that. I can still be me, but a better version. Change is about wanting to find a place of safety, security, and where looking at my life should make me proud, not make me want to reevaluate the choices that I am making.

So when you see me tomorrow, know that I am different. I am ever evolving and growing. I am stronger today than I was yesterday and the day before that. I will not go back to who I was before, I will be strong, I will be fearless, and I will embrace the change that simply is everything.